Q: did you hear about the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus?
A: he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe
Q: Why aren't Irish men very good lovers?
A: They wait for the swelling to go down
Q: Did you hear about the Irish man who had a urine test?
A: He studied for 6 days
3 guys at work open up their lunch boxes, the 1st guy(Australian) says "damn! ham again! if I get it Tomorrow, I will kill myself" 2nd guy (American) says "damn! peanut butter again! if I get it Tomorrow, I will kill myself!" 3rd guy (Irish) says" damn! strawberry jam again! if I get it tomorrow, I Will kill myself!" 1 week later the wives of the 3 workers are at the funerals wife of the Irishman says "I don’t know why he did it, he always make his own lunch"
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language.
The man on the 3rd floor points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says,"What the hell is wrong with you, dumb ass? I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."
A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The Personal Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personal Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personal Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personal Manager suggested he show him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing them between Elmo's legs.
The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for this.
They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.
Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she snaps the elastic band.
The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
Q: What is it called when Stevie Wonder and Helen Keller play tennis?
A: endless love
Q how did Stevie wonders parents punish him?
A: rearranged hi furniture
Q: did you hear about the 3 lepers playing cards?
A: one threw in his hand and the rest laughed their heads off
Q: why did the leper fail his driving test?
A: he left his foot on the clutch
Q: what do you call a leper in a hot bath?
A: soup
Q: why are Monica Lewinski's cheeks puffed?
A: she is with-holding evidence
Q: what did Bill Clinton say to the new white house intern?
A: I haven't come across your face before
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer"
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up
Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them
Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumour
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm BLONah, oh well I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea"
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side
Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realised she gave her last blowjob
Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK"
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetise a bag of M&Ms
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the blonde's favourite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay)
Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ?
A: A blond doing cartwheels
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud , blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream revererates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and everytime I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and notices that the drunk is sitting on the mop bucket.
A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in a hangar at San Diego Airport. The runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" The second guy says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that it will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time ... as only drinkin' buddies can do.
The following morning, one of them wakes up figuring that his head will explode if he gets up. Nevertheless, he gets up and is surprised to find that he feels good; in fact, he feels great ... no hangover! The phone rings. It's his buddy asking him how he feels.
"I feel great!" he says.
His buddy agrees, saying, "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover either?"
"No," he replies. "That jet fuel is great stuff ... no hangover. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No..."
"Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says. "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps." he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so." I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar."
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light in working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how did all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.."
The husband said, "So, what kind of a cake did you bake him?"
he replied, "Hellooooooooooooooo, do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so."
A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man,"Where did you get such a big lighter?"
The man replies, "See that man playing piano over there? He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish."
So the guy walks over to the genie and says,"I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.
The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says,"That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he?"
The guy replies, "Yea, do you think I asked for a 14 inch Bic?"
An immigrant comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He downs one, engages is casual conversations with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two.
This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you." The immigrant replies, "No, I prefer it this way. You see, I'm very close to my two brothers who are in the old country now. This represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together." The bartender understands this so he continues to set them up as requested.
This goes on for several months and then one day, the lad comes in and orders TWO shots. Well, this worried the bartender as he thought maybe something had happened to one of the brothers.
"Is everything alright?" the bartender asked.
"What do you mean?" replied the immigrant.
"Well, all these months you have been ordering three shots and today you ordered only two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?"
"No," the immigrant replied. "They're both fine. It's just that I've quit drinking."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
One night a police officer was staking out this particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the "Driving-Under-The-Influence Laws". At closing time, he sees a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on six different cars before finding his. Then sits in the front seat, fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he starts the engine and begins to pull away.
The police officer waiting for him, stops the driver, reads him his rights and administers the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demands to know how this could be possible. The driver replies, "well, tonight I'm the DESIGNATED DECOY!
A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tit is hanging in the ashtray."
1. A friend stops to see you since your phone
has been busy-----for a year!!!!!"?
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL,? LOL."
4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your Mom went to
ICQ......instead of ICU!
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and
45 minutes.
6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your
car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang
out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name
on it.
12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh"
instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was
you said.
14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months
ago.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an
instant message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had
your ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not
being online for a while.
18. You say......."Where did the time go??"
19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to
sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.
21. ....You end your sentences with.....three or more
periods.......
22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.
23. You think faster than the computer.??
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}
and **kisses**.
25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
26. You're on the phone and say BRB.
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood
shot eyes.
28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like
this...."BRB.? Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL ASAP".
29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the
computer on instead.
30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.